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Ryan McGee, ESPN Senior Writer
Inspirational thought of the week:
“‘It’s no use talking about it,’ Alice said, looking up at the house and pretending it was arguing with her. ‘I’m not going in again yet. I know I should have to get through the Looking-glass again — back into the old room — and there’d be an end of all my adventures!’
“So, resolutely turning her back upon the house, she set out once more down the path, determined to keep straight on till she got to the hill.”
— From “Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There” by Lewis Carroll
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located inside the giant water tower used to store all of our tears shed during the Lee Corso reunion with his former Indiana players during last week’s “College GameDay,” we have spent a lot of time over the years educating ourselves on how to travel through multiverses, multiplanes of reality and multiple mental multiplexes of what is possible.
In other words, we’ve accidentally, OK purposely, walked face-first into a lot of mirrors, windows, sliding glass and wardrobe doors. To test out that tin of “Collin Klein for Heisman” Band-Aids we found in an old desk drawer? Sure. That’s part of it. But the real quest is to try to discover new pathways that might transport us from the perpetual pain of the Bottom 10 cinematic universe into happier, more successful, dot-com-titled trophy-lined streets of college football euphoria.
Just when we think our efforts are eternally fruitless, a midweek moment of multiverse madness cracks the boundaries of belief and reveals a trail that takes us from 0-and-something to the limitless joy of 1-and-something, especially when an 0-and-something team that is a 27-point underdog and has never won an FBS game knocks off a something-and-0 team, sending them down in, ahem, Flames.
HELL YEAH#GoldStandard | #SeeUs pic.twitter.com/vI36pgr7o8
— Kennesaw State Football (@kennesawstfb) October 24, 2024
With apologies to Kennesaw State alum Ty Pennington, former MLB commissioner Kennesaw Mountain Landis and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 9 Bottom 10 rankings.
The Golden(plated) Flashes, aka America’s last winless FBS team, lost their 17th straight game, surrendering 358 yards rushing to Western Michigan. The last time a bunch of Bronco students gained that much ground was when Tim Allen and Terry Crews got into Bruce Campbell’s Oldsmobile and took a road trip set to tunes of fellow WMU alum Luther Vandross.
The Sun Belt Old Money Golden Eagles lost to Sun Belt New Money James Madison as they continued their march toward what is shaping up to be an all-time Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year of the Century, on Nov. 30 against … well … we’re going to make you wait for that information. Like Brett Favre makes Mississippi wait for him to pay them back old, new and relief money.
The Chowboys lost the Pillow Fight of Week 9 to … yeah, we’re going to make you wait for that, too. Like my neighbor makes kids wait for the Halloween candy because his hearing aids don’t work and it takes him forever to hear the bell and finally get moving. Kind of like Wyoming’s offense.
On Friday, I flew over UAB’s stadium en route to Tuscaloosa. On Saturday, I drove by that same stadium, moving even faster because I was trying to get Marty Smith back to Charlotte in time to host the Concert for Carolinas. We spotted a long trail of smoke and were afraid that Protective Stadium might be on fire, but we realized it was just coming from Trent Dilfer’s ears.
How dedicated are we to ensuring that the #Bottom10 is as accurate as possible? We’ve been flying recon flights over UAB. pic.twitter.com/LQfc7GriUp
— Ryan McGee (@ESPNMcGee) October 29, 2024
It was George Orwell who said, “If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” Well, Liberty, I know y’all play Wednesday night, so I know you don’t want to hear this, but when one blows a shot at the Coveted CFP Spot to a winless team, then the Coveted Fifth Spot it is.
After spending Week 8 doing what Liberty could not, the Blew Raiders were unable to avoid the post-Kennesaw emotional letdown and lost to last year’s version of Kennesaw, Jacksonville State. This weekend I will be at the Georgia-Florida game in Jacksonville, as I am every year, and I always wonder if perhaps some overserved Dawgs and/or Gators fans ever get lackadaisical with the GPS and end up in Jacksonville, Alabama, instead of Jacksonville, Florida.
The Minors are back in these rankings because they lost a Waiting List Pillow Fight to Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-Tech, but this week they’ll host the for-real Pillow Fight of the Week as they welcome their classic and timeless longtime natural and regional rival, Middle Tennessee State.
Speaking of Pillow Fights, we promised we’d let you know who beat Wyoming in the latest edition of the PFOW. Here they are. The Other Other Aggies, who kicked a 40-yard field goal as time expired in Laramie. Now I wish the Concert for Carolinas was happening this weekend, because I would have told Marty Smith to tell Eric Church that “As Time Expired in Laramie” definitely sounds like a top 40 country hit.
The OG Owls are the last ones remaining in these rankings because Temple, Kennesaw and FA(not I)U had the downy audacity to win football games. The OGs arrive here because they were grounded by a former Bottom 10 stalwart, the Artists Formerly Known as UCan’t. But let’s not give Connecticut too many props. If they had any real husky guts, they would schedule a last-minute contest with Kennesaw to try to complete the four-team Hooter Hoedown.
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🦉✅ pic.twitter.com/ZMjX2UKRHQ— UConn Football (@UConnFootball) October 26, 2024
After making the once-mighty Miami rivalry completely irrelevant, the No’s now welcome in UNC, aka the historic geographic center of the ACC, for the latest round of their “Hey, Remember Like 10 Minutes Ago When We Kept Hollering That We Were Too Good For Y’all?” world tour.
Waiting list: Troy Bolton State (aka the team that beat Southern Missed), Pur-don’t, Kennesaw Mountain Landis State, UMess, FI(notA)U, FA(not I)U, Temple of Doom, Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-Tech, Akronmonious, election ad mailers.